Battle Scars!

I saw this quote while surfing Pinterest. It has stayed with me for some time. Maybe it's because I'm not that far away from turning 50, a number I dread! I'm sure any 50+ reading this may take offence and I'm sorry if that happens. However, these are my thoughts and it has nothing to do with anyone else. Some would have me believe that 50 is the new 40 or that life is just beginning. Truth be known, if I could stay in my 40's sans death, I'd be satisfied with that. I loved my 20's and that would be a dream to be 20 again but that's so farfetched, I don't even think about it. I hated my 30's more so because of the things I had to face and in turn, come to terms with, which brings me back to the quote. It implies having a certain way of life before something interrupts that life and changes it forever. Having a life before...is what makes this quote stand out. I'VE NEVER HAD A LIFE BEFORE!!! I've never had the luxury of finding out what I could have been before it was stolen from me. I've only known how to make the best of a horrible situation from the time I was a toddler.

The only difference was, I didn't realize how bad it was until it became something that could be talked about and not hidden like a dirty secret. It took me a very long time to realize that I'm a good person, a worthy person, someone who deserves all the best things in life. I was someone who didn't ask to be molested sexually from the time I was a very small child into my teenage years. I didn't go around exposing myself so that some sick person could take away my innocence. I was a child and for the first time I am able to put it down on paper/text. I was a victim of someone close to me who used me as their personal sex toy. I never knew the person I could have been and I'll never know what I could have done. When I began to make the connection that this was not normal, I created a way to survive. I would wake up and go through the motions of getting ready, open my door to the outside world and out steps a completely different person than the one who woke that morning. Each day I wore a new facade. It would be one of confidence, strength and intelligence. Nothing could phase me, not the pack of girls who bullied me everyday of my school life, nor the nervous insecurities of trying out for the sports team or the lead in the school play. I was invincible! It helped that I read a lot and that I had an extremely high IQ.

I learned to cursive write at very early on. I could copy any signature perfectly. I taught myself to read before entering school and I remember going to the library on rare occasions and taking out books almost as big as myself. I had this need to learn everything in front of me. I learned through stories, the many different personas I could mimic each day. As I got older, I would stand in front of my mirror for hours, perfecting the role I would play the next day. I read all the latest advice for teenagers so I could become adept in handling any situation. This went on for many years and through it all, I had to live through the nightmare of being groped, raped, molested over and over again. Some would ask, "why didn't you tell someone?". Who would I tell? I couldn't tell my mom because it would mean losing her to a jail sentence. My mom is the kind of woman who would have physically harmed this person. I didn't t even know it was wrong until much later. This had been happening from the time I was in diapers. It wasn't only a family member who molested me, it was a neighbor of our family and later a neighbor of the family member who was doing these horrible things to me. Later, when I had the courage or maybe it was the weariness of keeping up the pretence, I finally sought help and it was explained to me why I was a victim to so many. My psychologist told me I was like a wounded animal in the forest. Any hunter would recognize my weaknesses and make me a target. I could be in a room with 100 people and a predator would sense my frailty make me their mark. That explanation created a wave of terror and awe at the same time in me. It explained so much all at once. It created so many thoughts in my head I thought my brain would explode. I immediately began to see my way through the darkness. It gave me hope. For the record I didn't do this alone. I had a partner, my best friend, my soulmate along with me throughout this whole scary experience.

He didn't have to spend a single moment with me once I had told him my life story. You see, when he chose me to be his wife, I felt it was my duty to warn him away, to save him from having to live with someone who didn't know who she was from one day to the next, someone who was dirty and unworthy. I thought if he knew all the nasty things that had happen in my life leading up to this point, he would do the only sensible thing and RUN! You can almost imagine my shock when he stayed after all the sordid details came pouring out of me. He was the first person I had ever told my dirty little secret. I not only told him of the exploits of others, I also told him of the things I had done as a result of such exploits. I have to admit, I was more terrified of telling him the my story than I was at the various predators in my life. This was my one chance at happiness and I had everything to lose. I could have stayed quiet and never tell a soul but I also never wanted to hear the words one day, "I don't know who you are" being thrown at me. I owed the man who has loved me unconditionally from the start, the truth. I'll never know why or how I was able to make the choices I did leading up to our marriage.

I think back sometimes and wonder, why me? Why did I have the strength to survive my ordeal and still find love? Why did I not turn to drugs and alcohol like most people in my situation? How did I know enough to recognize someone so good and kind and loving and trust him enough to allow him into my secret life? My life has not been an easy one but it has not been without joy or love. When I came to this world, I was an innocent child like all other children but I was blessed and cursed at the same time. Blessed to have been sent with a guardian angel who made its presence known to me throughout my childhood and into my adulthood. I've always had the deep-seated knowledge that I was being watched over, that no matter what, I was safe. This presence has helped me to maintain a sense of humour and joi de vie throughout my youth. Many of my aquaintences and teachers would have you believe that I was a fun-loving person who was involved with every club or sport in school and outside school. This was true for the most part because of the safety of knowing I wasn't alone. The curse of being born was being the pawn in someone's sick game, the target of childhood pettiness and meanness, the scapegoat to a tired and frustrated single-parent. I was born into a life where I was the target in a sick game. Have I gone through something that has changed me? Absolutely, 100% yes! Did it change me from the person I was? No, because that person never had the chance to come alive, to experience the newness of "first times", to express wonder and innocence. I'll never know what I could have been but I do know what I am. I am a woman, an individual, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a friend, a stranger, a neighbour.

I am someone who has survived war on myself and my person. I have survived having never been to becoming. I have made many mistakes as a result but I have picked myself up and not always right away, but I do pick myself up. Sometimes it is with the helping hand of my partner and best friend, sometimes it is with the love of my children and sometimes it is the comfort of a close friend, no matter how, I've picked myself up and created a person that has gone through something that has changed me in a way that I could never go back to the person I once was.

 

Posted with Blogsy