In Case Anyone is Interested...

So it's been a long, long, long time since I've done a blog. I think it's mainly because I've felt like I've had nothing to share with anyone. However I've been thinking....hmmmmmmm and guess what? I've got lots to share with anyone who is interested out there. Since learning that I'm going to become a grandmother(still not quite used to that word, ugh!), I've done my soul searching and decided that life is too short. So here's the thing...I've been busy, busy, busy. You all know that my husband left his job and went to school. That has been scary and exciting. Just think, I'm married to a schoolboy, lol! We have been living off my part-time income and our child-tax credit every month, way, way below the poverty line according to the government and yet we have been blessed in so many ways, it's humbling. When Heavenly Father said that He would open the windows of Heaven and pour out His blessings on us, He really meant it. I have come to know without a shadow of a doubt, that Heavenly Father keeps His promises. For the first time since being married our bills are at a "0" balance(never happened before), we have more wood for the winter than we have ever had when we were both working, we were able to take a trip to New York City for 7 amazing days. My wonderful and to steal a phrase from Kristi, "hot" husband has also managed to get "paint" jobs as needed. There have been so many miracles happening around us. Sometimew when we are in the midst of our trials it's really hard to see the little miracles. However when the fog starts to clear and we feel we can lift our heads a little bit higher, we suddenly notice life around us. Sorry no pictures, except the one of my lovely children...just getting warmed up, lol!

Failure...

Failure to know what to say when your 17 year old daughter comes home and tells you she's pregnant. Failure to know where you went wrong. Failure to know what to do. I am in such a state of shock that I feel like a zombie. Every morning I wake up hoping it's a bad dream and that nothing has happened to change the dynamics of my family. I know this will be a shock to most people and yet I'm sure there are others who will say they're not surprised. There are some who will look at this news as titillating, something to be discussed over and over and I know there will be others who will be a comfort to our family. I think the worse will come from family members who have never supported our marriage or who was of the opinion that Darren could have done better. However there is nothing I can do about that. I have not always understood why I became a mother or why my patriarchial blessing simply stated that I would be a mother and nothing else. Maybe because it's the hardest job on earth and it would take me a lifetime to figure it out. Motherhood has not been an easy thing for me. Some women are nurturers by nature, some take to it after a few moments of uncertainty. Then there are women like me who didn't even know what to do with a baby after it was born. Thank goodness my mom was a great source of comfort and support to me and later my husband whom I love so incredibly much that it overwhelms me by times. When I was pregnant with our first child, he would rub my stomach while our baby was moving and marvel at the miracle of it all. I remember when Savannah was born, he would sit by her cradle and with a voice filled with awe, exclaim about the simple sounds she would make while sleeping or the fact that he would never let anyone hold her while she was so small for fear of her getting sick. He became the father that some women dream about. That seems so long ago and now he feels such sadness that his baby is going to have a baby. These last few days have been so difficult for our family. What saddens us the most is the loss of innocence, the overnight growth to adulthood when it should be a time for giggles, movies, dating and the constant chatter about silly girly stuff. Some of you will probably wonder why I would share something so personal on my blog or whether I am looking for attention or sympathy. The reason I am sharing this with you is because I know that 99% of you are mothers with young children. I guess I just want you to know that the adversary is real and out there. I wanted you to know that since I have started blogging I have admired many of you who are young mothers because you seem to know so much more than I did when I was your age raising our children. You seem so on the ball. The support that you seem to have around you in the form of family and friends is incredible especially with the increase use of technology. I think of Kristi who lives way up North and yet she can still communicate with her friends and family or some of the new friends, like Becca I have gotten to know through blogging but have never actually met. I have learned so much from your stories and I guess I just wanted to encourage you to hold onto your children and love them while you have them. Satan is very real and he has discovered that attacking the family is the way to go and somehow he has found his way into my family. I am at a loss as to what is going to happen to us now but I wanted you to know that I love you all and I respect and admire what you are doing to safeguard your families. Please don't ever take your children for granted and appreciate them even when they falter. I don't know when I will be back blogging again. It all seems so insignificant in light of what is going on. I feel like the light in my life has been dimmed and my heart is broken in many tiny pieces. I am not ready to be a grandmother...I don't want to raise another child especially when I have 4 more children to raise. I hope the next time I blog, it will be on a happier note. Oh the irony of life...my last post was on motherhood and appreciating it, lol.