Sunday, May 17, 2009
Failure...
Failure to know what to say when your 17 year old daughter comes home and tells you she's pregnant. Failure to know where you went wrong. Failure to know what to do. I am in such a state of shock that I feel like a zombie. Every morning I wake up hoping it's a bad dream and that nothing has happened to change the dynamics of my family. I know this will be a shock to most people and yet I'm sure there are others who will say they're not surprised. There are some who will look at this news as titillating, something to be discussed over and over and I know there will be others who will be a comfort to our family. I think the worse will come from family members who have never supported our marriage or who was of the opinion that Darren could have done better. However there is nothing I can do about that. I have not always understood why I became a mother or why my patriarchial blessing simply stated that I would be a mother and nothing else. Maybe because it's the hardest job on earth and it would take me a lifetime to figure it out. Motherhood has not been an easy thing for me. Some women are nurturers by nature, some take to it after a few moments of uncertainty. Then there are women like me who didn't even know what to do with a baby after it was born. Thank goodness my mom was a great source of comfort and support to me and later my husband whom I love so incredibly much that it overwhelms me by times. When I was pregnant with our first child, he would rub my stomach while our baby was moving and marvel at the miracle of it all. I remember when Savannah was born, he would sit by her cradle and with a voice filled with awe, exclaim about the simple sounds she would make while sleeping or the fact that he would never let anyone hold her while she was so small for fear of her getting sick. He became the father that some women dream about. That seems so long ago and now he feels such sadness that his baby is going to have a baby. These last few days have been so difficult for our family. What saddens us the most is the loss of innocence, the overnight growth to adulthood when it should be a time for giggles, movies, dating and the constant chatter about silly girly stuff. Some of you will probably wonder why I would share something so personal on my blog or whether I am looking for attention or sympathy. The reason I am sharing this with you is because I know that 99% of you are mothers with young children. I guess I just want you to know that the adversary is real and out there. I wanted you to know that since I have started blogging I have admired many of you who are young mothers because you seem to know so much more than I did when I was your age raising our children. You seem so on the ball. The support that you seem to have around you in the form of family and friends is incredible especially with the increase use of technology. I think of Kristi who lives way up North and yet she can still communicate with her friends and family or some of the new friends, like Becca I have gotten to know through blogging but have never actually met. I have learned so much from your stories and I guess I just wanted to encourage you to hold onto your children and love them while you have them. Satan is very real and he has discovered that attacking the family is the way to go and somehow he has found his way into my family. I am at a loss as to what is going to happen to us now but I wanted you to know that I love you all and I respect and admire what you are doing to safeguard your families. Please don't ever take your children for granted and appreciate them even when they falter. I don't know when I will be back blogging again. It all seems so insignificant in light of what is going on. I feel like the light in my life has been dimmed and my heart is broken in many tiny pieces. I am not ready to be a grandmother...I don't want to raise another child especially when I have 4 more children to raise. I hope the next time I blog, it will be on a happier note. Oh the irony of life...my last post was on motherhood and appreciating it, lol.
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15 comments:
Oh Lesley, my heart is broken for you and I am just crying....
For some reason, I think about you and your family a lot. Sometimes when I'm praying, you just enter my mind and I pray for you to have more blessings than you can handle. Despite what you believe or think, you ARE an amazing mother. We've talked a lot about this, but the love and concern you have for your children is an indication of what kind of mother you are. The difference between you and my own mother is HUGE, and I PROMISE that means a lot!!
I don't really know what else to say, but please know that I love you tons and am thinking about you. I'm so sorry for the heartbreaking choices your daughter has made..... If I were there, I would give you the biggest hug in the world. Please let me know if you ever need to talk...I'm always here!!
Lesley, I'll keep it simple. I love you and you are like another mother to me. Never a failure. You are incredible. My heart goes out to you ..and a hug next time I see you !!
I think that the comments make me tear up more then the post, but probably only because I knew before reading it. Like the others have said you are an incredible mom. You need to remember through these tough times that you have not failed but Satan has just managed to creep in and for that you need to hang tight and be strong. Free agency is a really tough thing when you see the ones you love make such life changing decisions. Things will work out, maybe not the way we all want them to but the Lord does know the bigger picture and for us right now it is all a mystery. I am here for you, you know that....be there for your other kids right now, they love you more then you know and no doubt are having a tough time too!!! Can't wait to hangout tonight....
Lesley I can't even imagine your emotions right now. I am holding Marley and trying to imagine what I would do in your shoes. To be honest I know I would be so angry and sad. But I would hope that the people around me would help me see the good in the situation and help my family through this. That's what I hope for you are your family. First and foremost you need to change the title of your blog! There is nothing about you that as failed as a mother! Life unfortunately is about mistakes and we must be accountable for our own. You are not responsible for your daughters’ choices. We can only give our children a good foundation and hope that they make good choices. It's sad that your daughter is 17 and having a baby but she is. And right now you are in shock and facing uncertainty but once that baby gets here all will be good, perhaps not easy, but good. Just remember that you are strong. But also remember that you are there to support your daughter and love and be a grandmother to this new baby, not a mother. This is your time to teach your daughter to be a mother. Even though the timing is not ideal you can do this! Unconditional love is so bitter sweet! I hope that through it all that you never forget that you are a great Mom. Depend on the Lord, your family and friends! I hope you don't wait to long to blog so we all no how your doing!
Lesley, I am so sorry to hear about this. Savannah has always been so sweet and good for me in Young Women's and it's hard to believe that she will be a mother. Heavenly Father will bless you and help you through this trial. I can only imagine what you're going through and I am sure I would be devestated if it happened to Karington and wonder "why me??" Stay strong!
I really don't know what to say other than you will be in our prayers. Hope things get better from here, you are a good mother and a great person, don't let yourself or others tell you anything different.
I don't really think there are any words to describe how a mom would feel right now, but know that you are always in our prayers. Please, don't be mad at me for making this suggestion but I think you and Savannah should make an appointment to talk to lds family services, I've known many people who have gone through this heartache and have been helped tremendously by that program. my heart goes out to you, this will be a difficult chapter in your life, but you have many friends and family members who are there for you, and you will get through it. I'm not very good at saying the right thing with stuff like this but know that we love all of you and anything that we can do to help just say the word
Lesley, I'm so sorry for your heartbreak......I just want you to know that I think that you are amazing and an incredible mother and someday when I have kids of my own I KNOW that I will see you as an example of what kind of mother that I want to become!
Thank you so much my friends. Everytime I feel like I'm going to fall apart, I read your comments and they give me the courage to go on. I have been taking your advice and praying a little bit more each day so that I am not walking alone through this. Your words of encouragement have been a source f strength to me and I love and appreiate you all. I am so grateful for your kindness.
Lesley...you are in no shape or form a failure!! And I don't think your daughter is either. Heavenly Father allows us to have trials for our growth and strength. He knows that you guys can do this! I can't imagine how heartbreaking this is for your whole family. But you are strong. You hold onto her and keep her close...she'll need it as much as you need it. And know...you can do this. I know, like I know...like I know...you can come out of this and it will take you to a wonderful place. I've seen many situations like this come out in such good ways! You are a wonderful Mom from what I can see. You guys can do this. Hugs from the North dear friend.
Oh Lesley, I have only one daughter and I can just imagine how my heart would break for her if she were in Savannah's shoes. I would question my mothering skills, my teaching skills and so many more things. I believe that's human nature. No one wants this for thier children. We all hope and pray that we teach our children to the best of our abilities and that they make the right choices to make it through those teenage years unscathed. Because our children make choices that we don't approve of doens't mean we didn't do our best to teach them, or guide them or love them. You did the best you could. The hard part is letting go and allowing them their agency. Sometimes they excersize it and we are so proud of them and other times our hearts break. Just remember that even though she has a rough time ahead of her she is that same daughter you held in your arms as a child. She made a mistake, love her through it, she's not her mistake. Life for your family has been changed in an instant but as I sit here and write to you I have this image in my mind of a loving Savior with his arms wraped around you and your beautiful daughter. The atonement applies to us all. Those who make mistakes as well as those of us who need some understanding and ability to make it though these challenging times. I love you and will keep you and your daughter in my prayers that the spirit may guide you both through this tough time.
lesley, there are no words i can say to make you feel better, i know this. oddly enough, my brother, a 20 going on 12 year old, just told us that he got his g/f pregnant and my insides ache. i can't imagine the feelings you feel, he's not my son, as she is your daughter. but i feel for you. my mother has been dealing with this much the same way you are, with the feelings of anger, hurt, and failure. i promise you are nothing near that of which you think you are. you are a wonderful woman, and i know it seems hard, but you can be an example of strenght to your girl now as she surely is going thru what will be the most life altering experience ever. thinking of you.
Big hugs. Hope you figure it all out.
I just have to say, "Amen, Amen, and Amen" to all that your friends have said. I haven't even met you and yet I feel such affection for you! Wish I were there right now to give you hugs. Please send my love along to Daddy Darren too...your Ohana is in our prayers.
We are thinking of you and praying for you and your family.
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